Yes, I made a point to pay a visit to as many of the aspects of you as I could.
[Reaper had been amused by Love, but he also knew that there would be others that that particular aspect could be pawned off on. He had expected that Usagi would have suffered similarly, but perhaps he had underestimated the divide of such an aspect.
They had, after all, discussed before how love could be dangerous and dark before. It had been clear that Love aspect was embodiment of both sides of what one might consider it dark and light.
He made a noise in his throat to acknowledge that he had heard Maul's admittance. However, he was a master of keeping his reactions to himself when he needed time to consider.]
Is it a small part of you? And have you discussed such a confession with him since coming back to yourself?
[Maul tried to read Reaper and see what he was thinking but he just wasn't able to right now. He knew how the man could seem completely impassive at times, turning to stone when he was considering things. Best just to keep talking and see where this would lead.]
It was small enough I was able to easily keep it repressed up until now. I may be in love with him but I don't want to be with him. I don't want to pine after a man who is clearly never going to be in love with me considering all I have done to him. I did murder his greatest love in cold blood after all. [Obi-Wan still wasn't even able to offer him forgiveness, let alone be able to return his affections.] And part of me still also hates him as much as ever.
[The situation with Obi-Wan was as complicated as it had ever been before. Just because Maul had given up some of his hatred didn't mean he would give it all up forever. He couldn't do that to the man that had tried to kill him by cutting him in half and setting off such a horrid chain of events for Maul.]
No. I wanted to be honest with you about this before I talked to him.
[For many private conversations with Maul, Reaper was open to removing his mask. Sometimes it wasn't necessary, since they had fairly good communication for a pair of broken men who had their share of traumas that had long scarred over. For now, he valued his mask being in place to allow him time to let his expressions flicker and change.]
After I died, you mentioned the quadrants that that troll was spouting. It seems you were coming aware that your feelings for this man had changed. [He resisted the urge to cross his arms over his chest, instead forcibly keeping his physical presence rather neutral.] Are you going to pine after him despite the fact he may never return your complex version of affection?
[He was getting the impression that Maul was conflicted, that the emotions were complex. To love and hate. To pine but want nothing solid. He also had the impression that Maul and this Obi-Wan did not avoid each other. Could he, Reaper, trust that he would remain the safe space until the long game was played in other areas?]
I see. That's a good play to make for you. But you do plan on speaking with him?
I knew my feelings were softening but I wasn't ready at that point to outright call what I felt love. My feelings towards him have always been so tangled. Hatred was easy. This feels so much different.
[While Maul had been trying to keep himself fairly neutral as well, the expression on his face softened and his voice held a note of tenderness that no one else could have gotten out of the Sith Lord. He tamped down the urge to reach out and touch Reaper, to cup his face with his clawed hand possibly.]
Why should I keep wanting one of the stars in the sky when the moon is right in front of me?
[That sounded sappy to his ears but maybe he needed to be a little sappy right now, to show some emotion to remind Reaper that he was the one who still held Maul's hearts in his hands. He may have had feelings for Obi-Wan but he wasn't going to sit around and wait for something he well knew might never happen. He wanted to keep what he had instead of throwing it all away on just a 'what-could-be.']
I need to at least clear the air with him. Leaving him just with that knowledge in an abrupt manner won't be good for either of us.
Hatred is easy. It's less complicated and it taints everything. [It was easy to nurture and lean back on, but much like love, it could be tainted. Little-by-little. If hatred could shift the other direction then love could shift the opposite direction if given time and opportunity.
Old thoughts crept in, old fears, and he had to resist the urge to clamp down and close off. That too would be easy. He and Maul had been together for a longer relationship than he had had in a good while, and the Zabrak had earned enough of his trust so far to push him to at least hear things out and not just turn away.
Still, it was Reaper's nature to play devil's advocate sometimes. He had to know Maul was solid because if the Zabrak betrayed him... if this 'small love' developed, he wouldn't let that trespass go without a few pounds of flesh.]
Because some of us want what we think we can't have, and we're willing to sacrifice happiness for something out of reach. The forbidden fruit, so to speak.
[He didn't think Maul would be such, not with the trauma he knew the Zabrak had faced. Having a safe space was hard for men like them to have, but Reaper could never and would never be able to compete with the history that existed between Maul and Obi-Wan. There was something to be said about history.]
No, I don't suppose it will. That's considerate of you.
[Maybe a touch sour, which was an unintentional slip.]
You know what has happened to me. How much happiness and love I've lost over the course of my life. Do you think I'd willingly throw what we have away just on a 'what-if'? For a man who's made it clear he doesn't want me? If I wanted to do that, I would have hid this from you, kept it secret and let what we have rot and decay. I don't want that. I love you, Gabriel, the way I've never loved anyone else.
[He knew what both of them were used to. Love ending abruptly, people leaving or dying, leaving their hearts shattered once again because they'd reached out and gotten hurt once again. It had happened so often to Maul that he'd fully expected it to happen to the two of them before now. The fact it hadn't had given Maul something he hadn't experienced in quite a long time: hope. He thought perhaps Reaper would be the one to stay.
He took a step towards Reaper, closing some of the gap between them without getting too close, still allowing the man his space to be able to process this.
Then Maul's eyes narrowed as he picked up on that tone in Reaper's voice. His temper flared for a moment and he struggled to control it.]
I know you have your fears and jealousy and insecurity. I know you've been hurt. [Because Maul was the same way and knew had the roles been reversed, he wouldn't have been nearly so calm. He would have been throwing a fit and an outright temper tantrum.] But I don't want to cause you pain.
[There was truth to what Maul said, that he knew very much how care and love were not environments that the Zabrak had been allowed for long as a child. It had been ground down, crushed and stamped out as much as possible, and he understood that Maul had plenty of scars. They both did.]
I know that you'll self-sabotage because men like us don't have nice things for long. Eventually, we burn down everything we have. It's a fact of our existence. [He shifted his weight subtly from one foot to the other. His upper body remained quiet for now.] I love you as well, Maul. I've abandoned love for duty many times. You're the first to have me abandon duty for love.
[A perhaps it was his fault in part. He was secretive, and Maul wasn't the type to badger or push for personal information from him. He knew far more of Maul's history than the Zabrak could claim to know about his. It was a situation that worked for them, but it also made it easy for assumptions.
His fingers curled into fists, and he shook his head as he ground his teeth. He felt cold, colder than usual and his cheek felt like it was twitching.]
You think you know. You think you have an inclination about me, about the life I've lived, about the sacrifices I've made, about the people who I drove away to keep them safe! [His voice was a cold furious growl, perhaps the most emotional he had ever been in front of and at Maul. He slammed a fist to his chest.] You don't know. I guarantee you know more about this man who you have small love for than you know about me. You know how he ticks; you know who he loves; you know how to get under his skin; you know how to torment, converse and push. You've taken things from him that leave you a permanent fixture on his mind. And now you love him.
[His fist slammed against his chest again, black tendrils of smoke lifting from his shoulders and hood. This might have been the first time he actually let himself lose his carefully crafted cool calmness, his chosen points of being threatening or unnerving.] And I still have to trust you when you're one step into emotional infidelity in my books.
It's been over a year and a half for us and I still haven't wanted to leave your side. I still don't want to. I don't betray those that I love like that.
[Not intentionally. Maul could hurt the ones be loved plenty but he never did it consciously. Always, it was through thoughtlessness or being careless that led to his loved ones ending up hurt and with scars on their souls.]
That's not fair. I have never pushed to know about your past and let you reveal to me what you wanted to. You wanted your secrets and privacy and I let you keep them. Trust goes both ways, and if you want more, you need to be able to trust me. To trust that I won't stab you in the back.
[Maul's eyes fell to the floor and a look of pure hurt crossed his face. He was afraid now, afraid that what he'd said would cause him to lose the man he loved so fervently.]
I'm in uncharted territory here and that scares me. [There. That was as honest as Maul could be. Admitting to fear made him feel weak, raw, an exposed nerve that was just begging for pain to be inflicted on it. Every fiber of his being told him saying that would end with him hurt. But he felt that was what was needed at this point: for him to tell Reaper exactly what was going on in his mind. He had to take the risk if he wanted to attempt to preserve what they had.] I've gone my whole life without letting people in, letting me love anyone. I pushed away anyone who got past my walls. You at least have that experience in your past even if you eventually shut yourself off. Now this happens and I don't know how to even begin to process that!
[He wasn't about to put restraints on Maul; it wasn't what he was about. They existed in one another's orbits, and one thing he had promised to himself was that he wouldn't be one to judge what his lover did.]
I do trust you would be wiser than to stab me in the back. [He shook his hands out but didn't relax again yet.] And while I appreciate your distance for my secrets, it wouldn't hurt for the occasional question. I could let you know if it's a subject I have no willingness to talk about. And don't accuse me of not volunteering the information as it pleases me.
[Maul admitting fear had him shaking his head and sighing. He withdrew, setting his hands on his hips and began to pace back and forth. Sometimes it was all too clear him the vastness of their age difference and their upbringings. It didn't make any of this easier as he was fighting his own self-sabotaging defense tactics.]
Then what would you like me to do to help you process it? You've had people in your corner for well over two years, and they haven't given you pointers on how difficult it is to love someone. I've never had anyone shatter themselves into eight pieces before. We're all in the reeds.
[Maul snorted and there was a ghost of a smile on his face that quickly passed.]
Have you met any of the people who have been helping me figure out what love is? They're just as in the dark about romantic love as I am given how messed-up their own relationships are. It's the blind leading the blind. If anything, we're one of the more stable couples among all of the Sleepers.
[They'd been together a long time considering how transient the Sleeper population tended to be, people coming and going all the time. But together they had stayed, growing in their relationship as they stayed together.
It occurred to Maul this was one of the first big real fights he and Reaper had ever had. Even killing the man when he'd been brainwashed hadn't produced a fight with nearly this much emotion coming out between the two of them.]
You want me to ask you questions. Here's one. Why do you keep acting like either I'm going to run away from this or you are? You're the soldier and I've never known you to take the coward's way out before. If you still want me, let me fight to keep you. If you want space, I'll give you that or anything else you need, but I'm not just giving up because things are difficult.
[This might have been one of the first leaps Maul had made in emotional maturity when it came to their relationship. Granted, he was an adult, but sometimes his emotions were so stunted it was hard for him to have adult reactions to the situations they encountered.]
Edited (Added a sentence) Date: 2022-02-14 06:03 am (UTC)
[He was not at all amused and his pacing didn't relent at all. Normally he was still and contemplative, but if he stayed still, he knew that he was going to have other matters on his mind that would distract him from the emotion that was upheaved in him. It felt odd to be this wound up.]
Your woman friend seems wise beyond her years. I would have thought she would give you all the advice you need to be the best, most supportive and loving individual in Trench.
[He also made certain not to learn too much personal information about Usagi, and that was on purpose. She was Maul's friend, and he wasn't looking to have the same friends in his circle. If things went south then they would have their own groups to ease back into. It hadn't always worked, given both of them associated with some of the same kids and teenagers.
He stopped mid-step at the question, slowly setting his boot down from the abandoned step and then turned on the balls of his feet so he was back to facing Maul.]
Are you calling me a coward, Maul? Are you telling me that I'm not allowed my moment of attempting to process this information that you've thrown on me? You've blind-sided me with an apparent love confession to another person, and I'm supposed to just slip back into my supportive role of you?
[Reaper shook his head. If this shoe was on the other foot, the house would be overturned back now and probably far more yelling.]
Usagi may be helping me but that only goes so far. I never hid from you that I hadn't been in a relationship like this before. [Or ever.] You knew what you were getting into and you were fine with it so long as things between us were good.
[Maul glared at Reaper, his temper rising. Right now, he wanted to hurt Reaper just a little bit, piss him off good and proper. So he did, his voice containing the edge of a snarl now.]
Yes. I am! So things between us get tough for the first time in a long while and your first thoughts are wondering how soon I'm going to leave you. I know you well enough to know when you're pulling away and putting distance between us. You've got a mask and armor on more than just physically. Blind-siding you would have been letting you find this out on your own. I was trying to do the right thing here even if there was no good solution to this problem. Or would you have preferred I keep this a complete secret from you?
Don't worry, I am reminded more and more how infantile you can be emotionally. Next time I'll be sure to bring a blanket to swaddle you in. I was under the impression you'd grown beyond yelling in the middle of a room about how unfair life is when you receive push-back.
[He knew that Maul would need room to grow, and he had been prepared for it. They had been doing well, maybe not perfect because they both still had their hang ups. These might have been the first real cracks, or maybe this was a fight that had been some time coming.
He liked to think he was far more supportive than he had been through many of his other attempts to cobble together a relationship. And he was also old enough to know that Maul was picking a fight and that he was picking one right back based on his previous comments.]
For the first time? You're so self absorbed sometimes I doubt you would have even noticed what previous tough would be. Tough is watching you rinse and repeat the same cycle, watching you take one step forward and two steps backwards. You gather all these people to you under the promise of change and then you throw them aside so you can go down in flames because it's comfortable for you! [He should know because he had a habit of doing the same thing, albeit usually with more subtleness. He wasn't one to make grand sweeping network posts.] You wouldn't be able to keep it a secret because you enjoy the attention too much. Isn't that right? Any attention, good or bad, is better than no attention. That's what your Master did for you, that's what everyone else before Deerington did for you, and even here, you can't help yourself. Did you tell me because you wanted to do something good for us, or did you tell me because you secretly wanted to see me fight him to keep you?
If I'm being childish, what does that make you? [He imitates Reaper's gruff, growling tone.] "Oh, look at me, I'm just a broken-down old man and set in my ways, no one will ever love me because I deliberately keep them all at arm's length and then act hurt when people actually do stay away." You've had plenty of people here besides me who have wanted to be by your side because they care about you and instead you do what you always do when anyone besides me gets too close. You'd prefer to light yourself on fire rather than let anyone get near to you.
[Now Maul finally raised his voice.]
You could have left at any point! I didn't make you stay by my side with a mind trick! What was I all this time to you? Just some amusement on the side, someone to show you affection when you needed an ego boost?
[Maul knew for a fact that wasn't true. Reaper had told him he loved him and that was the truth. He was just reaching for low-hanging fruit right now to fan the flames.
But then Reaper went and hit the nail on the head. Maul wanted to say he was wrong. He wanted to with every fiber of his being but he couldn't. Because Reaper was right and his mate had never lied to him before, not about something so raw and honest.
He went over to the nearest wall and punched a hole right through it. Ow. That hurt. He was certain he'd just busted one if not several knuckles but he didn't care. He needed to do either this or punch Reaper and wasn't sure he'd stop at just one if he did the latter. He didn't look at Reaper as he responded, cradling his injured left hand instead.]
You're right. I'm a hateful, selfish person who keeps saying I'll change and then goes right back to his old ways. All those who help me, all I do is let them down. Is that what you want to hear? I'm scared to change, scared to move beyond what I am, and what might be ahead of me. I've always known where I'm going, even if it was to hell itself, and now I don't. I keep doing the same thing over and over again like the insanity it is instead of doing what I should. I've reached as low a point as I can possibly go and I'm afraid to try and pick myself up to try again.
[The imitation would have been amusing in any other situation; Maul could get his voice fairly accurate. Unfortunately, this wasn't an 'any other situation', and he might recognize that they were both just lashing out with emotions running high. They had never fought before, but neither of them were the type to back down once one started.] That's because everyone that stays close to me too long dies. It's who I am as a person; I destroy things. [It would sound dramatic if he wasn't being perfectly serious.] So I light myself on fire and burn.
[He was waving a dismissive hand in the air, already rejecting the notion that he could have left. If he had wanted to leave, he would have. That was the point though. He didn't want to leave, hadn't considered it even after he had walked away to complete his revenge. He had come back because there was a dream waiting that he wanted more for once.]
I stay because I love you. I came back because I love you. I'm here because I love you. [Though saying 'I love you' three times in a row was rather uncomfortable to do. It was a lot, especially for two people that declared it rarely and never in rapid succession.] I have stood by you, but perhaps I've been too passive with you. Perhaps you need someone who can click their tongue on the roof of their mouth and give you the disappointed look when you act out like a child. Maybe you'd prefer tough love where you're lectured on how to be a better person? Or someone who will show you all the hurt on their face or in their voice when you lash out?
[That definitely wasn't Reaper. He let Maul be Maul, aware that two broken men like that needed a different kind of urging. They were so used to being left behind or stepping away from those that they cared about that just being in one another's corner was often the greatest gift. And now some love declaration threatened what they had, though they had strayed so far off track of that topic by now. Reaper wasn't eager to about face to it again.
Reaper growled when Maul decided to break a hand though. He understood, which was why he was pacing rather than striking things. Between the two of them, they could take the house apart, and so he'd instead walk a track into the floor.]
No, Maul. There is always a lower point than this, believe me. [As good as it would feel in the heat of the moment to bring Maul actually low, Reaper had the presence of mind to not desire it.] I don't need you to tell me to know it's true, since it's never stopped me from caring about you. Do you actually believe it? Or are you just saying words you recognize might hold water, but you're going to do nothing about it? You want rock bottom, Maul? Try burying your friends, your family. Try watching everything you built rot out from under you. Try alienating your remaining love ones through systematic action to keep them safe. Try doing everything you can to die but can't, over and over and over again. Try watching your own funeral.
[He finally stopped pacing, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. Then he turned his head to look at Maul cradling that broken hand.]
You can't, can you? Because you were raised in the shadows of a more selfish man with doctrine that could never allow you anything of substance to fight for. You're all screwed up that killing the good things is as natural as breathing, and you're afraid of holding your breath to see what's on the other side of the darkness in your way.
You realize the weight you think that holds is lessened by the fact that people regularly die and come back to life on a regular basis?
[It wasn't a sure thing as Maul knew from painful personal experience but if Reaper was going to sit there and make melodramatic statements, Maul was going to point out the logical inconsistencies in them. He did understand that sentiment well though. The idea that all he was good for was death and destruction. But to think that would keep people away from Reaper was a fool's dream.
Hearing Reaper say that he loved him made some of Maul's anger fizzle out as surely as if it was water being poured onto a burning fire.]
I love you too.
[He said softly and passionately.] And that's why I'm afraid to lose you. That's the core of the Dark Side: it's not anger but fear that drives a person to commit atrocities and kill anyone who gets in the way of their goals.
[He withdrew a little, not physically but emotionally, mostly so he could sort out what was going on in his own head.]
And I am afraid to see what will come next, to see what will happen if I try to become more than what I was molded into and chose to become. I've never dared to care about anyone before, and now that I have, I'm lost in the darkness. I know the only way out is to find it myself. No one can do it for me. But still I am scared of stepping out into the light.
[He looked up at Reaper again and there was a note close to pleading in his voice. This was Maul stripped of all of his pride and reduced down to his basic emotions.]
Don't leave me. To be alone again..... that's worse than being in darkness.
And you, me, your friends, your family doesn't hurt the same when you die? Don't take for granted that we all come back. That's a curse that can be taken away at any time, and do you want to be the first one to discover when it does?
[Death was absolute at some point, as much as this place might make promises. Death here had to come with some cost beyond just turning to crystal and reforming as a squid. Nothing was ever that simple after all. He couldn't and wouldn't believe it to last forever just like this.
He watched Maul, letting his lover withdraw emotionally from him. It was internalized time that he too could utilize as he considered this Dark Side. He couldn't say he knew too much about space wizard magic, but he had been told the basics and even made certain Maul told him about some of the doctrine to try to understand the two sides. Fear was an excellent and terrible motivator.
Now that he had stopped pacing, he folded his arms over his chest and rooted himself on the spot which was far more typical behaviour.]
I can't help you in this. I wouldn't know how, and even if I did, I think... it's a personal journey that we will all undertake in our own way. But I will warn you: you might fear stepping out, but if you don't, it's going to start costing you everything and everyone. Eventually.
[He was left staring at Maul for a long quiet moment, his jaw working behind his mask. Conflicted because he was still churning with anger, but he cared for Maul enough even in his rare anger to feel for the Zabrak. He'd walked away for less, a petty vindictive man that he could be.
He shook his head to shake the thoughts around in his head as if that might help him sort it all out. It didn't work that way, but sometimes the physical action was helpful.]
I won't leave you. [The but hung in there air, unspoken.] Do not betray my trust.
[Maul nodded at Reaper's words. Much as he relied on the other man, he knew this wasn't something he could ask anyone, not even his mate, to help him with.]
This is a journey I have to undertake alone. And I know it's going to come to a head soon, tipping one way or the other. I must find the strength to make it out of the dark or be forever condemned to it.
[Though he hadn't had any visions to show him what the future could hold, he felt a tension in the Force as it personally surrounded him. Something was going to happen soon, something that would either save him or break him for good.
Maul met Reaper's eyes, boring into them even with the layer of the mask between them.]
I won't.
[He said with the finality of a promise he intended to keep. Then he turned away from Reaper.]
You'd better leave now. I think we've said all we need to one another for the moment.
[He stared at Maul for a long moment, accepting the promise with a slow nod of his head. They had said plenty to each other, potentially things one or both of them might regret as well. He had plenty to think about, and he knew more than a few rooftops where he could roost to do so.]
You have the strength of character and the will, I'll give you that.
[He stayed standing for a few moment after Maul's dismissal, considering arguing, considering making a play for the last word in their argument and also uneasy peace. Once the emotions had dried out and some time taken, he knew he'd feel different, but currently, he was raw and disturbed by the depth of his exposure.
Instead of speaking, he simply hummed softly to acknowledge the dismissal and left the house.]
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chiming
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Date: 2022-02-14 01:26 am (UTC)From:[Reaper had been amused by Love, but he also knew that there would be others that that particular aspect could be pawned off on. He had expected that Usagi would have suffered similarly, but perhaps he had underestimated the divide of such an aspect.
They had, after all, discussed before how love could be dangerous and dark before. It had been clear that Love aspect was embodiment of both sides of what one might consider it dark and light.
He made a noise in his throat to acknowledge that he had heard Maul's admittance. However, he was a master of keeping his reactions to himself when he needed time to consider.]
Is it a small part of you? And have you discussed such a confession with him since coming back to yourself?
no subject
Date: 2022-02-14 01:36 am (UTC)From:It was small enough I was able to easily keep it repressed up until now. I may be in love with him but I don't want to be with him. I don't want to pine after a man who is clearly never going to be in love with me considering all I have done to him. I did murder his greatest love in cold blood after all. [Obi-Wan still wasn't even able to offer him forgiveness, let alone be able to return his affections.] And part of me still also hates him as much as ever.
[The situation with Obi-Wan was as complicated as it had ever been before. Just because Maul had given up some of his hatred didn't mean he would give it all up forever. He couldn't do that to the man that had tried to kill him by cutting him in half and setting off such a horrid chain of events for Maul.]
No. I wanted to be honest with you about this before I talked to him.
no subject
Date: 2022-02-14 01:54 am (UTC)From:After I died, you mentioned the quadrants that that troll was spouting. It seems you were coming aware that your feelings for this man had changed. [He resisted the urge to cross his arms over his chest, instead forcibly keeping his physical presence rather neutral.] Are you going to pine after him despite the fact he may never return your complex version of affection?
[He was getting the impression that Maul was conflicted, that the emotions were complex. To love and hate. To pine but want nothing solid. He also had the impression that Maul and this Obi-Wan did not avoid each other. Could he, Reaper, trust that he would remain the safe space until the long game was played in other areas?]
I see. That's a good play to make for you. But you do plan on speaking with him?
no subject
Date: 2022-02-14 02:33 am (UTC)From:[While Maul had been trying to keep himself fairly neutral as well, the expression on his face softened and his voice held a note of tenderness that no one else could have gotten out of the Sith Lord. He tamped down the urge to reach out and touch Reaper, to cup his face with his clawed hand possibly.]
Why should I keep wanting one of the stars in the sky when the moon is right in front of me?
[That sounded sappy to his ears but maybe he needed to be a little sappy right now, to show some emotion to remind Reaper that he was the one who still held Maul's hearts in his hands. He may have had feelings for Obi-Wan but he wasn't going to sit around and wait for something he well knew might never happen. He wanted to keep what he had instead of throwing it all away on just a 'what-could-be.']
I need to at least clear the air with him. Leaving him just with that knowledge in an abrupt manner won't be good for either of us.
no subject
Date: 2022-02-14 03:00 am (UTC)From:Old thoughts crept in, old fears, and he had to resist the urge to clamp down and close off. That too would be easy. He and Maul had been together for a longer relationship than he had had in a good while, and the Zabrak had earned enough of his trust so far to push him to at least hear things out and not just turn away.
Still, it was Reaper's nature to play devil's advocate sometimes. He had to know Maul was solid because if the Zabrak betrayed him... if this 'small love' developed, he wouldn't let that trespass go without a few pounds of flesh.]
Because some of us want what we think we can't have, and we're willing to sacrifice happiness for something out of reach. The forbidden fruit, so to speak.
[He didn't think Maul would be such, not with the trauma he knew the Zabrak had faced. Having a safe space was hard for men like them to have, but Reaper could never and would never be able to compete with the history that existed between Maul and Obi-Wan. There was something to be said about history.]
No, I don't suppose it will. That's considerate of you.
[Maybe a touch sour, which was an unintentional slip.]
no subject
Date: 2022-02-14 03:55 am (UTC)From:[He knew what both of them were used to. Love ending abruptly, people leaving or dying, leaving their hearts shattered once again because they'd reached out and gotten hurt once again. It had happened so often to Maul that he'd fully expected it to happen to the two of them before now. The fact it hadn't had given Maul something he hadn't experienced in quite a long time: hope. He thought perhaps Reaper would be the one to stay.
He took a step towards Reaper, closing some of the gap between them without getting too close, still allowing the man his space to be able to process this.
Then Maul's eyes narrowed as he picked up on that tone in Reaper's voice. His temper flared for a moment and he struggled to control it.]
I know you have your fears and jealousy and insecurity. I know you've been hurt. [Because Maul was the same way and knew had the roles been reversed, he wouldn't have been nearly so calm. He would have been throwing a fit and an outright temper tantrum.] But I don't want to cause you pain.
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Date: 2022-02-14 04:36 am (UTC)From:I know that you'll self-sabotage because men like us don't have nice things for long. Eventually, we burn down everything we have. It's a fact of our existence. [He shifted his weight subtly from one foot to the other. His upper body remained quiet for now.] I love you as well, Maul. I've abandoned love for duty many times. You're the first to have me abandon duty for love.
[A perhaps it was his fault in part. He was secretive, and Maul wasn't the type to badger or push for personal information from him. He knew far more of Maul's history than the Zabrak could claim to know about his. It was a situation that worked for them, but it also made it easy for assumptions.
His fingers curled into fists, and he shook his head as he ground his teeth. He felt cold, colder than usual and his cheek felt like it was twitching.]
You think you know. You think you have an inclination about me, about the life I've lived, about the sacrifices I've made, about the people who I drove away to keep them safe! [His voice was a cold furious growl, perhaps the most emotional he had ever been in front of and at Maul. He slammed a fist to his chest.] You don't know. I guarantee you know more about this man who you have small love for than you know about me. You know how he ticks; you know who he loves; you know how to get under his skin; you know how to torment, converse and push. You've taken things from him that leave you a permanent fixture on his mind. And now you love him.
[His fist slammed against his chest again, black tendrils of smoke lifting from his shoulders and hood. This might have been the first time he actually let himself lose his carefully crafted cool calmness, his chosen points of being threatening or unnerving.] And I still have to trust you when you're one step into emotional infidelity in my books.
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Date: 2022-02-14 05:12 am (UTC)From:[Not intentionally. Maul could hurt the ones be loved plenty but he never did it consciously. Always, it was through thoughtlessness or being careless that led to his loved ones ending up hurt and with scars on their souls.]
That's not fair. I have never pushed to know about your past and let you reveal to me what you wanted to. You wanted your secrets and privacy and I let you keep them. Trust goes both ways, and if you want more, you need to be able to trust me. To trust that I won't stab you in the back.
[Maul's eyes fell to the floor and a look of pure hurt crossed his face. He was afraid now, afraid that what he'd said would cause him to lose the man he loved so fervently.]
I'm in uncharted territory here and that scares me. [There. That was as honest as Maul could be. Admitting to fear made him feel weak, raw, an exposed nerve that was just begging for pain to be inflicted on it. Every fiber of his being told him saying that would end with him hurt. But he felt that was what was needed at this point: for him to tell Reaper exactly what was going on in his mind. He had to take the risk if he wanted to attempt to preserve what they had.] I've gone my whole life without letting people in, letting me love anyone. I pushed away anyone who got past my walls. You at least have that experience in your past even if you eventually shut yourself off. Now this happens and I don't know how to even begin to process that!
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Date: 2022-02-14 05:44 am (UTC)From:I do trust you would be wiser than to stab me in the back. [He shook his hands out but didn't relax again yet.] And while I appreciate your distance for my secrets, it wouldn't hurt for the occasional question. I could let you know if it's a subject I have no willingness to talk about. And don't accuse me of not volunteering the information as it pleases me.
[Maul admitting fear had him shaking his head and sighing. He withdrew, setting his hands on his hips and began to pace back and forth. Sometimes it was all too clear him the vastness of their age difference and their upbringings. It didn't make any of this easier as he was fighting his own self-sabotaging defense tactics.]
Then what would you like me to do to help you process it? You've had people in your corner for well over two years, and they haven't given you pointers on how difficult it is to love someone. I've never had anyone shatter themselves into eight pieces before. We're all in the reeds.
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Date: 2022-02-14 06:02 am (UTC)From:Have you met any of the people who have been helping me figure out what love is? They're just as in the dark about romantic love as I am given how messed-up their own relationships are. It's the blind leading the blind. If anything, we're one of the more stable couples among all of the Sleepers.
[They'd been together a long time considering how transient the Sleeper population tended to be, people coming and going all the time. But together they had stayed, growing in their relationship as they stayed together.
It occurred to Maul this was one of the first big real fights he and Reaper had ever had. Even killing the man when he'd been brainwashed hadn't produced a fight with nearly this much emotion coming out between the two of them.]
You want me to ask you questions. Here's one. Why do you keep acting like either I'm going to run away from this or you are? You're the soldier and I've never known you to take the coward's way out before. If you still want me, let me fight to keep you. If you want space, I'll give you that or anything else you need, but I'm not just giving up because things are difficult.
[This might have been one of the first leaps Maul had made in emotional maturity when it came to their relationship. Granted, he was an adult, but sometimes his emotions were so stunted it was hard for him to have adult reactions to the situations they encountered.]
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Date: 2022-02-14 06:17 am (UTC)From:Your woman friend seems wise beyond her years. I would have thought she would give you all the advice you need to be the best, most supportive and loving individual in Trench.
[He also made certain not to learn too much personal information about Usagi, and that was on purpose. She was Maul's friend, and he wasn't looking to have the same friends in his circle. If things went south then they would have their own groups to ease back into. It hadn't always worked, given both of them associated with some of the same kids and teenagers.
He stopped mid-step at the question, slowly setting his boot down from the abandoned step and then turned on the balls of his feet so he was back to facing Maul.]
Are you calling me a coward, Maul? Are you telling me that I'm not allowed my moment of attempting to process this information that you've thrown on me? You've blind-sided me with an apparent love confession to another person, and I'm supposed to just slip back into my supportive role of you?
[Reaper shook his head. If this shoe was on the other foot, the house would be overturned back now and probably far more yelling.]
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Date: 2022-02-14 06:40 am (UTC)From:[Maul glared at Reaper, his temper rising. Right now, he wanted to hurt Reaper just a little bit, piss him off good and proper. So he did, his voice containing the edge of a snarl now.]
Yes. I am! So things between us get tough for the first time in a long while and your first thoughts are wondering how soon I'm going to leave you. I know you well enough to know when you're pulling away and putting distance between us. You've got a mask and armor on more than just physically. Blind-siding you would have been letting you find this out on your own. I was trying to do the right thing here even if there was no good solution to this problem. Or would you have preferred I keep this a complete secret from you?
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Date: 2022-02-14 06:59 am (UTC)From:[He knew that Maul would need room to grow, and he had been prepared for it. They had been doing well, maybe not perfect because they both still had their hang ups. These might have been the first real cracks, or maybe this was a fight that had been some time coming.
He liked to think he was far more supportive than he had been through many of his other attempts to cobble together a relationship. And he was also old enough to know that Maul was picking a fight and that he was picking one right back based on his previous comments.]
For the first time? You're so self absorbed sometimes I doubt you would have even noticed what previous tough would be. Tough is watching you rinse and repeat the same cycle, watching you take one step forward and two steps backwards. You gather all these people to you under the promise of change and then you throw them aside so you can go down in flames because it's comfortable for you! [He should know because he had a habit of doing the same thing, albeit usually with more subtleness. He wasn't one to make grand sweeping network posts.] You wouldn't be able to keep it a secret because you enjoy the attention too much. Isn't that right? Any attention, good or bad, is better than no attention. That's what your Master did for you, that's what everyone else before Deerington did for you, and even here, you can't help yourself. Did you tell me because you wanted to do something good for us, or did you tell me because you secretly wanted to see me fight him to keep you?
[Speaking of going down in flames....]
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Date: 2022-02-14 07:39 am (UTC)From:[Now Maul finally raised his voice.]
You could have left at any point! I didn't make you stay by my side with a mind trick! What was I all this time to you? Just some amusement on the side, someone to show you affection when you needed an ego boost?
[Maul knew for a fact that wasn't true. Reaper had told him he loved him and that was the truth. He was just reaching for low-hanging fruit right now to fan the flames.
But then Reaper went and hit the nail on the head. Maul wanted to say he was wrong. He wanted to with every fiber of his being but he couldn't. Because Reaper was right and his mate had never lied to him before, not about something so raw and honest.
He went over to the nearest wall and punched a hole right through it. Ow. That hurt. He was certain he'd just busted one if not several knuckles but he didn't care. He needed to do either this or punch Reaper and wasn't sure he'd stop at just one if he did the latter. He didn't look at Reaper as he responded, cradling his injured left hand instead.]
You're right. I'm a hateful, selfish person who keeps saying I'll change and then goes right back to his old ways. All those who help me, all I do is let them down. Is that what you want to hear? I'm scared to change, scared to move beyond what I am, and what might be ahead of me. I've always known where I'm going, even if it was to hell itself, and now I don't. I keep doing the same thing over and over again like the insanity it is instead of doing what I should. I've reached as low a point as I can possibly go and I'm afraid to try and pick myself up to try again.
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Date: 2022-02-14 03:49 pm (UTC)From:[He was waving a dismissive hand in the air, already rejecting the notion that he could have left. If he had wanted to leave, he would have. That was the point though. He didn't want to leave, hadn't considered it even after he had walked away to complete his revenge. He had come back because there was a dream waiting that he wanted more for once.]
I stay because I love you. I came back because I love you. I'm here because I love you. [Though saying 'I love you' three times in a row was rather uncomfortable to do. It was a lot, especially for two people that declared it rarely and never in rapid succession.] I have stood by you, but perhaps I've been too passive with you. Perhaps you need someone who can click their tongue on the roof of their mouth and give you the disappointed look when you act out like a child. Maybe you'd prefer tough love where you're lectured on how to be a better person? Or someone who will show you all the hurt on their face or in their voice when you lash out?
[That definitely wasn't Reaper. He let Maul be Maul, aware that two broken men like that needed a different kind of urging. They were so used to being left behind or stepping away from those that they cared about that just being in one another's corner was often the greatest gift. And now some love declaration threatened what they had, though they had strayed so far off track of that topic by now. Reaper wasn't eager to about face to it again.
Reaper growled when Maul decided to break a hand though. He understood, which was why he was pacing rather than striking things. Between the two of them, they could take the house apart, and so he'd instead walk a track into the floor.]
No, Maul. There is always a lower point than this, believe me. [As good as it would feel in the heat of the moment to bring Maul actually low, Reaper had the presence of mind to not desire it.] I don't need you to tell me to know it's true, since it's never stopped me from caring about you. Do you actually believe it? Or are you just saying words you recognize might hold water, but you're going to do nothing about it? You want rock bottom, Maul? Try burying your friends, your family. Try watching everything you built rot out from under you. Try alienating your remaining love ones through systematic action to keep them safe. Try doing everything you can to die but can't, over and over and over again. Try watching your own funeral.
[He finally stopped pacing, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. Then he turned his head to look at Maul cradling that broken hand.]
You can't, can you? Because you were raised in the shadows of a more selfish man with doctrine that could never allow you anything of substance to fight for. You're all screwed up that killing the good things is as natural as breathing, and you're afraid of holding your breath to see what's on the other side of the darkness in your way.
[Talking about Maul? Or himself? Or both?]
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Date: 2022-02-14 06:44 pm (UTC)From:[It wasn't a sure thing as Maul knew from painful personal experience but if Reaper was going to sit there and make melodramatic statements, Maul was going to point out the logical inconsistencies in them. He did understand that sentiment well though. The idea that all he was good for was death and destruction. But to think that would keep people away from Reaper was a fool's dream.
Hearing Reaper say that he loved him made some of Maul's anger fizzle out as surely as if it was water being poured onto a burning fire.]
I love you too.
[He said softly and passionately.] And that's why I'm afraid to lose you. That's the core of the Dark Side: it's not anger but fear that drives a person to commit atrocities and kill anyone who gets in the way of their goals.
[He withdrew a little, not physically but emotionally, mostly so he could sort out what was going on in his own head.]
And I am afraid to see what will come next, to see what will happen if I try to become more than what I was molded into and chose to become. I've never dared to care about anyone before, and now that I have, I'm lost in the darkness. I know the only way out is to find it myself. No one can do it for me. But still I am scared of stepping out into the light.
[He looked up at Reaper again and there was a note close to pleading in his voice. This was Maul stripped of all of his pride and reduced down to his basic emotions.]
Don't leave me. To be alone again..... that's worse than being in darkness.
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Date: 2022-02-14 07:10 pm (UTC)From:[Death was absolute at some point, as much as this place might make promises. Death here had to come with some cost beyond just turning to crystal and reforming as a squid. Nothing was ever that simple after all. He couldn't and wouldn't believe it to last forever just like this.
He watched Maul, letting his lover withdraw emotionally from him. It was internalized time that he too could utilize as he considered this Dark Side. He couldn't say he knew too much about space wizard magic, but he had been told the basics and even made certain Maul told him about some of the doctrine to try to understand the two sides. Fear was an excellent and terrible motivator.
Now that he had stopped pacing, he folded his arms over his chest and rooted himself on the spot which was far more typical behaviour.]
I can't help you in this. I wouldn't know how, and even if I did, I think... it's a personal journey that we will all undertake in our own way. But I will warn you: you might fear stepping out, but if you don't, it's going to start costing you everything and everyone. Eventually.
[He was left staring at Maul for a long quiet moment, his jaw working behind his mask. Conflicted because he was still churning with anger, but he cared for Maul enough even in his rare anger to feel for the Zabrak. He'd walked away for less, a petty vindictive man that he could be.
He shook his head to shake the thoughts around in his head as if that might help him sort it all out. It didn't work that way, but sometimes the physical action was helpful.]
I won't leave you. [The but hung in there air, unspoken.] Do not betray my trust.
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Date: 2022-02-14 08:27 pm (UTC)From:This is a journey I have to undertake alone. And I know it's going to come to a head soon, tipping one way or the other. I must find the strength to make it out of the dark or be forever condemned to it.
[Though he hadn't had any visions to show him what the future could hold, he felt a tension in the Force as it personally surrounded him. Something was going to happen soon, something that would either save him or break him for good.
Maul met Reaper's eyes, boring into them even with the layer of the mask between them.]
I won't.
[He said with the finality of a promise he intended to keep. Then he turned away from Reaper.]
You'd better leave now. I think we've said all we need to one another for the moment.
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Date: 2022-02-14 09:48 pm (UTC)From:You have the strength of character and the will, I'll give you that.
[He stayed standing for a few moment after Maul's dismissal, considering arguing, considering making a play for the last word in their argument and also uneasy peace. Once the emotions had dried out and some time taken, he knew he'd feel different, but currently, he was raw and disturbed by the depth of his exposure.
Instead of speaking, he simply hummed softly to acknowledge the dismissal and left the house.]